The Calling

I had a sudden thought this evening. Julian, a friend of mine from the magic industry sent me a message and asked me why I was having a sudden and radical change in career - I also attended Christ Church this evening where the book of Jeremiah is being studied and reference was made to Jeremiah 29 V11 which reads "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and so it seemed quite apt that I actually posted a blog explaining my original calling and where I am currently in my spiritual journey.

It has been a very rocky road and not one that I would have chosen to tread had I the choice (however, that aside I am very pleased for the way my life has panned out so far and I have learned so much on the way that I doubt I would change it given my time over).

I had my initial calling to be in the church at the age of 12. I was playing a game in the playground at school and I suddenly stopped running as I was being chased. I froze on the spot. What happened I cannot really describe in great detail because I simply do not know. My next memory is of the hand of my friend John meeting my shoulder blades with a great smack as he shouted "TAG" before running off. It was a surreal moment and the feelings that had washed over me had revealed in quite plain thought that I was going to be a Vicar. Not a typical career choice for a 12 year old boy - most would probably opt for fireman, train driver or astronaut.

Everything seemed set, I was involved in the church as an alter server, Rev Andy got me started on leading parts of the service and I was getting a first hand insight into the work of a Vicar. As the years passed I got to the stage in my education where I was picking GCSEs and I made sure that Religious Studies was my chosen humanity subject. But it was here that my first deviation from the path began. Until this point I had never really questioned anything, I had become a Christian at about the age of nine, attended church and my local Christian youth group and generally been immersed in the Christian culture. I had never been given the challenge of looking at it objectively and working out how others may perceive it. During my lessons in RS I began to find questions which (at the time) had no answers and I found myself becoming frustrated and angry by the religion that had shaped my early childhood.

Church felt different too. I no longer felt that I was connected to the words that I was saying. Having learned them over the weeks and months for my role as Alter Server I had reached a point where I could reciet them without looking at the sheet and thus my brain could wander. Midway through one communion service I caught myself planning the rest of the week, what I was doing for school and work and such and not actually thinking about God or the words that I was speaking. It was at this point I first thought that maybe the Church of England could not accommodate me at that stage in my spiritual development. I tried different denominations, I wanted to see how they differed and if I felt a better sense of belonging in any of them. I drew a blank. I felt the same emptiness in each place and amongst each group of Christians. Then the situation became apparent. My faith was gone. It was not the denominations that left me cold it was the thought of God.

Atheism did not suit me. Perhaps there is something within me that requires I explore my spirituality but I needed to find some meaning in the universe. By this point I was about 17 and was choosing options for A-Level. I stuck with Religious Studies hoping that the philosophy and ethics section of the course would sufficiently challenge me and give me some meaning. It was then that I discovered the Buddhist belief system. Immediately I liked it, there was no God but there was a purpose to life. They were good people, honest and hard working and seemed to have achieved a state of relative peace in a world of chaos. I liked the solitude and the meditation and I was happy to discover more about myself as part of that religion for about a year.

I attended Spring Harvest that year, not because I felt that I should give Christianity one more go but simply because I had already paid for it before my loss of faith and also, all my friends went and it was a good excuse to see them and socialise. During one of the evening meetings I prayed. I don't really know what I expected to happen - to my mind I was dead to Jesus, I had walked away, joined another religion and actively discouraged people from believing based on my own narrow experiences. (It is not easy to write this and look back at the way I was - I am surprised the friends I met then have put up with me this long to be honest!) I remember the words I used very clearly. "Lord, if you are there then I need to know. I cannot pretend to be something I am not. This is it, I need proof or I have to walk away" and so it was done. I had set a challenge before God. Asked him to reveal himself in a way I could not deny or my days as a Christian were firmly behind me.

One of our group had been over-whelmed by the meeting and the calling of the Holy Spirit. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her fall and I attempted to move to catch her. It was fortunate that there were people within the crowd that were briefed to catch fallers as I suddenly realised my legs were unable to move. To those who may come across this blog and have no faith, it may seem like an alien concept, one bore out of desire or simply being part of the crowd and getting caught up in the emotion of the situation. But I would reply that at this point in my life I was not a Christian, I had been but I had fallen out of faith big time. I didn't even want to be a Christian if I am totally honest. God stepped in, answered my prayer and literally stopped me from walking away. A physical representation of the words I had spoken. To me, it was undeniable proof. One of the evening meeting leaders came and prayed, his words washed over me in a language I, he and my friends around me did not understand. The two words I heard in the garbled message was God and Amen. As the latter was spoken my legs were freed and once more I was walking and walking in Christian faith. I re-dedicated myself to Jesus that evening.

At home my life did not simply slip back into the habits of old. I was still very wary of the church. This had been the place where my faith was diminished and I was protective over my new found faith. I did not want it to be tainted by church politics and dogma. From that time onward I attended rarely. I got my church input from debates and discussions with fellow Christians, other religions and their practitioners and non-believers. I met with my friends, I had a very laid back approach to Church. I constantly and confidentially stated that I had Faith and not Religion. But it is impossible to separate the two for long and I found myself, with a stronger renewed faith, ready to face the challenges of church congregations again. I returned on a semi-regular basis.

Then my recalling to be a vicar returned a year or so ago. A strange evening where I had been discussing my journey with a friend, someone who struggled with his own faith - not because of questions that could not be answered like I found but because of his sexuality. He had questioned how he fitted into the church, just like I had, but for very different reasons. The day followed left me with nostalgia and the thought that being a vicar is something I should once again peruse. I did not do anything immediately, I simply believed that talking about it had evoked memories and it was obvious I was going to feel that way.

Days passed into weeks and still I had not acted. In the quiet moments of my day, the brief period before I passed into sleep, the groggy moment in the morning as my eyes adjusted to the day, the times in my car I sat without music playing, I felt a little tap on my shoulder. A little cough to get my attention and nudge me in the right direction. I prayed A LOT. I had already started down this road once before and it had not ended well. I reached a point that I needed to get reaffirmation from others. I needed to know if God was telling them the same thing. The response was unanimous. Others had been told I was supposed to be going down this route and everything seemed to fall into place. I remember telling my old youth leader that I was thinking about following my calling and she replied "I know" (At this point I had told no one)

So it was done. I told my Vicar, he put my name forward, I went to see my Ordination Officer and she put my name forward to the next level. The Diocesan Director of Ordination contacted me and we arranged to meet. I have met Rev Windley several times now, she recommended that before I head toward selection with the Bishop and the Selection Panel that I should leave my little rural parish and see Anglicanism at work in the towns. That is why I applied for my internship at Chorleywood and where I currently am on my journey.

There is more to come. Praying for continued strength during the potentially difficult times ahead.