Moving Day Approaches

I have not blogged for a while but I wanted to put up something to keep a fairly decent level of consistent posting. I think my main reason for an absence of content is simply that this blog is designed to follow my time over the next few years and even though I am very close to starting in Chorleywood I am still currently stuck in a state of limbo between ending my current career and starting my response to calling.

It is strange. Over the last couple of weeks I have stopped considering my work with the church as a job. I have started to use phrases like "response to calling" (above) and "vocation" instead of "job" or "career". I don't know whether this is a subconscious way of mentally preparing myself for the road ahead. Maybe it is a defence mechanism, I am in no way definitely going to be a Vicar. I am still in the selection process and despite the DDO thinking I am a good candidate I still need to be validated by the Bishop and the Selection Panel. It could finish even before it has started. This scares me.

I have set my mind to following my calling. Or, more likely, what I believe my calling to be. I have had it reconfirmed by other Christians and I have had a lot of positive support on the journey so far. However, what am I going to do if I have made a mistake and I am not supposed to be a Vicar? Will my faith stand up to that? Will my mind be able to take a mental battering after believing that this is my ultimate path for such a long time (I had my initial call at 12, so for over half of my life I have thought this was my place) I would be lying if I did not say I was concerned. What if the Bishop or the Selection Panel don't believe my calling is for ordained ministry? I would have to start the whole process again on a different route or come back years later and try again.

In the mean time I would be stuck in a strange limbo of doing a normal job (maybe my old business, maybe something else) and waiting for God to speak and then, when he did, questioning my own ability to interpret his words having got it so wrong before. All I can do at this time is pray. Remind myself that my life is in the hands of someone infinitely more experienced and wise than I could ever be. Someone who knows and sees all and loves me without condition and wants only what is best for me. That is a comfort but I am human and it is not always easy to smooth away those very human fears.

So, please spare a prayer for me as I load the green boxes of books, CDs and DVDs into my car tomorrow and travel to my new little house for the coming year. Please pray that God guides me and that I have time to listen and to respond to his will. Please pray for me energy levels and enthusiasm when dealing with the young people of the church, that they may come to know God in a way that is best suited to them.