My Faith

This is possibly going to be one of the most open and honest posts I have made on this blog so far. I am not saying that for any other reason that I think it is important. I am not trying to make a point or convey anything other than what I am currently feeling.

Today we had listening prayers at the vicarage. We have listening prayers every Tuesday morning, we are given a part to read from the Bible and then we sit in silence and contemplate it and listen to what God says and where he takes us from there. Today I was struck by one particular phrase that came to mind in my quiet time. "You cannot change the world until you first change your own world" and I knew instantly what it was about.

Potentially in 5 years time I could be a vicar, I could be leading a church somewhere in the country and facilitating the faith and needs of a whole host of people. Am I in a position at this moment in time where I feel capable of doing that? Can I cope with having a hand in other peoples journey with God when my own is still navigating past rocky patches and places where the brambles are overgrown and blocking the way.

When I was younger, around the age of 12, my faith was utterly unshakeable. Nothing could stop me in my belief, nothing made me question the existence of my God and nothing could provide an unanswerable quandry. I saw everything in black and white. This was right and this was wrong. There was no middle ground. I wish I had the first part of that back. I am pleased that I am now more relaxed in my faith and that I have a more personal relationship with God but I wish I could return to the time when my faith was utterly unwavering (although I would rather not return to my more militant and fundementalist views). Jesus said to his disciples that we all need to have faith like Children and I think for the first time in my life I really understand what that means on a personal level. It was much easier to believe when I was younger.

Suprisingly, one of my favourite films comes up with a good explaination of that. Dogma, while meant to be a frivilous look at the way the Catholic Church operates and a film that is not scripturally accurate etc, it does make one good point. A character states "Faith is like filling a cup, when you are younger the cup is very small and it is easy to fill. When you get older the cup gets bigger and the same amount no longer fills it" - I would not say that I feel spiritually empty or even that I am going through a wilderness time but simply that my affairs, spiritually, are not in order. I have not made enough time with God to develop my relationship with him, I've not listened well enough to what he has said. If I am totally honest, then I have, for some time, talked the talk without walking the walk.

When I was sitting in listening prayers today a song entered my thoughts. It was Silent Night, the version released in the 60s by Simon and Garfunkle. For those that have never heard it, they play a very simple stripped back version with the 6pm evening news playing in the background. The news is talking about murder, fires, destruction and chaos and all the time the angelic voice of Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon sing about heavenly peace in a beautiful and poigniant paradox. I was struck especially by one line "Sleep in heavenly peace" and I thought to myself, that is exactly what I am doing. I am allowing myself to slumber in my faith, to coast along in my safe little Christian bubble when actually there is a lot more going on underneath than I am allowing myself to be involved with. I am being challanged and I am ignoring it, I am being called and turning my back. I need to confront myself and the fear that I have and stand up tall in my faith again. I know that I need to deal with the issues that I have based on my personal development with Jesus and
just feel the love that is offered to me.

I can talk about the love of God, I can find the references to the mercy and the grace, to the awesome sacrifice, to the ultimate gift that has been given to me despite my many human failings but I cannot feel it. How can I show it if I don't feel it. My faith is very much alive and it is still, I hope, shining through in what I do, but I think, like the version of Silent Night, I need to strip back everything else, get back to basics and just immerse myself in the love of our Lord.

Prayers would be appreciated.

God Bless
Sam